Mental Hiccups

It's been forever and a day.

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 05:22:08 GMT

So...it's been forever since I've updated. Man, how life changes. Well, ok, not really. Scar under my left nostril? Still here. Who the fuck gets a wound under their nostril? God, I suck.

Anyway. I've had the flu this past week. Nothing reminds a person of their OCD like having a bout with the flu. I wanted to die exactly twice during the whole thing.

Surprisingly, I've been doing better in school, and my craft business is doing well.

Bout time for an update, huh?

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 08:11:52 GMT

I've been doing well since Christmas, but lately I've been angsting over deciding which Spring classes to take, and over some relationship issues. These same relationship issues, and my decided lack of interest in anything has led to quite a few blow-ups with my parents (mostly my mother). I've decided that sharing feelings with my mother is quite possibly worse than constantly angsting about NOT sharing them.

Things That Make Me Happy:

I'm now able to eat certain foods with my hands! Yay. I'm not as concerned about evil, evil plague germs migrating from my french fries to my brain! lol

I'm much more affectionate to my cat, now that I'm used to him. I even let him touch his nose to mine.

I'm not as totally insane about people breathing on/near me. Sure, if they have a cold, I demand them to be, like, 10 feet away, but still. I used to not be able to stand being within breathing distance of anyone before.

A Few Bad Things:

I have a scab that I keep picking at and it's gone through a vicious cycle of healing and infection. Bah.

I'm feeling frustrated by things that didn't used to frustrate me. Now that I feel quasi better, I notice the things I'm missing out on even more.

This is me right now:

In addition suffers of OCD will compulsively be involved in rumination. Such ruminations can be upon profound subjects such as philosophy, religion and the meaning of life. However ruminative contemplation can take the form of very trivial matters such as how long should I brush my teeth. Many hours of such can take place or ruminations can occur in the background whilst the sufferer is involved in other activities or even whilst involved in other obsessive–compulsive behaviours.

Wheee for personal happiness!

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 22:44:25 GMT

My lesson from the therapist this week is: I am not responsible for other people's happiness.

I never really thought about that. I've always just assumed that I'm as self-centered and "crazy" as everyone has always thought I've been. But, honestly, I can see now how I try to be everything to everyone.

I've been nagged all my life to "be nice to your friends!" and to please other people. Somewhere along the way, I guess it sunk in. I'm afraid of displeasing my mother, my father, my friends, my teachers, strangers, my PETS, for God's sake. I think I need to focus more on what I want, than what I think other people want of me. Hello, New Year's Resolution!

In other news, I'm pretty sure I have a reputation at the doctor's office for being "That girl who cries all the time!" It's not that I've really heard anyone say that, but I can imagine that's what they're thinking. I mean, I've kept a running tally. Of all the times I've been there this year, I only haven't cried in a session TWICE. Gah. I don't know what it is about being in there, but I just start crying every time. It's like an interrogation room or something. Sheesh. *nerd*

Oh, and the Monk novel comes out in January. I am *so* buying that.

Various musings.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 05:21:26 GMT

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, free of stress and Turkey-related accidents. My Thanksgiving was fine and dandy. Only a couple members of my extended family showed up, and luckily they were the quiet ones (some of my aunts can be quite...loud).

I haven't been to my therapist in two weeks. I missed last week's because the counselor lady was out of town for the holiday weekend. I don't really notice a huge difference by not seeing her for this long, but I do notice a few things. My stress levels are a smidge higher, just because I think that the weekly visits help me to organize my thoughts and allow me to vent about things that I couldn't talk to anyone else about. Plus, it helps that she's always totally understanding and usually gives me good advice that makes me feel like a more confident person. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to going to my session this Friday.

In other news, I'm noticing that I totally got my OCD from my father. Heh. I never really thought about it before, but this weekend he was stressed out about Thanksgiving (he doesn't like my mom's family), work, and about my grandfather (he broke his hip), so what does he do? He spends the entire day in the back yard, cleaning everything in sight. I kept looking out my window, watching him. He dragged everything out of the patio and washed it with the hose, he mopped the freaking patio, he washed the FENCE, the doghouse, and he even washed the DOG! Also, I had to borrow a box of Kleenex from his bathroom today (an explanation about my Kleenex compulsions will come later in this journal) and I noticed that his private bathroom (my mother and I share our own) is insanely orderly. I opened his medicine cabinet and everything is grouped and aligned. He's usually always late to dinner or to go out somewhere or to work, so I immediately thought, "So that's what he does when he spends a million hours in the bathroom!" It was like a light bulb being clicked in my head. I could name a ton of other things he does to support this theory. I'll have to bring it up to him. Heh.

In other news, I forgot to take my Zoloft today and by 5pm I was a mass of quivering rage, burning with the combined fire of a thousand suns. It was, um...scary thinking that that was how I used to be every hour of the day. I'd be so anxious, skittish, and caught up in my own thoughts that my every moment would be tinged with anger and I'd be so focused on being in a bad mood that I'd forget everything else. Anyway, today I was just grateful for the Zoloft that keeps me from feeling so horrible all the time.

Things that make me go "Eek."

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 20:53:43 GMT

So today's post was supposed to be about how I started treatment for OCD. But I've decided to chuck that in favor of the blow-up that happened today coming home from the Wal-mart...

Normally I hate Wal-mart (I can practically see the germs in the air), but my mother needed me with her to heft heavy things like bigass turkeys and loads of soda. While I bravely ventured off by myself to look for crafting supplies, some horrible man from the Army approached me and tried to snatch me away to go fight in Iraq. Ok, ok, so he just gave me his card and tried to recruit me. It was still scary (I'm tiny and tend to feel intimidated a lot). That's why I have social anxiety disorder, after all!

Anyway, after I eluded him, I scurried back over to my mother, who wondered why I was so flustered about the encounter. I tried to explain it (since I started treatment, it's been our policy to try and be more open) but she just didn't understand. On the way home, I tried to tell her why I'm all stressed out these days, when I'd previously been doing so well. I told her about how I'm worried about finals at school, an essay I have due, my friendships, finding a job, the holidays, lack of money for presents, germs, having family over for the holidays, and the zillion and ones things I tend to worry about all day long and sometimes even when I'm asleep. Lol.

My mother has a flair for the dramatic, which is why I never used to tell her about my troubles. Just a few years ago, she refused to awknowledge that there was anything wrong with me and told me that only "crazy people" go see therapists. She acted as though having something like Social Anxiety was akin to having the black plague or something. That attitude kept me from seeking help for a long time.

Eventually, after I finally got my butt in to see a counselor, and after I was diagnosed, she started taking on guilt and angst and the blah, blah, blah. Hey, I inherited my anxiety from someone, you know. Actually, I got it from both my parents, but my mother is the one who takes it to extremes. Anyway... After I told her everything that's worrying these days (including the incident with the "mood stabilizers I refused to take), she proclaimed that, "I'll never be happy again! Never!"

My mother is so goth.

Apparently she thinks I'm unhappy all the time and am thisclose to throwing myself off a bridge or some such stupidity. So now I'm stressed because she's now stressed and it's all just very confusing. *headdesk*

Blah blah blah catgerms blah blah

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 21:07:57 GMT

I used to get incredibly stressed out when I had too little time to myself. I always thought it was just the OCD, but I guess I'm just the type of person who needs a large amount of alone time. I got my wish this entire weekend, and it's been pretty ok, though I always kind of regret it when I'm alone because I have a tendency to slip back in old patterns of behavior since there's nothing and nobody to distract me.

This is where my cat comes in. I recently brought a kitten home from the humane society and he's a lively bundle of irrepressable energy. I figured that a cat might be good for me and my whole family, but the day after I brought him home I had second thoughts. Would I freak about the germs and the cat hair and the litter box?

I did, but only for a bit. He's very clean and obedient (which is more than I can say for my previous cats) and he's gotten into the routine of spending the night in the garage, which is practically his own personal playground, so I can sleep in peace and cleanliness. Also, he spends much of the day in the screened-in porch, so I don't have to worry about him leaving his hair around all day. He also enjoys water, so he willingly submits to taking baths either with a wet cloth or in a soapy tub. He also knows that my room is OFF LIMITS, which makes him a real keeper.

I'll admit to having relatively minor freakouts a couple times a week, though. Lately, I tend to go overboard washing my hands, and yesterday I madly vacuumed my room and used the lint roller to pick up hairs all over. But, for the distraction and affection he provides (that keeps me from more destructive things, like scratching at myself), he's well worth it.

Stark Raving Sane

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 06:02:12 GMT

Today was an ok day. I was pretty busy, so I didn't really have the time to sit down and obsess over totally random things. I also had a great time at the computer lab at school. I wasn't worried about germs, and I even saw an old friend from high school and could actually conduct a conversation with him like a normal person.

In other news, I sent away for some free pamphlets and booklets from this site. They arrived a few days ago, but it was kind of hit and miss. The fact sheets were crap, but the self help books are really nifty. I'm going to start filling one out today. They're not preachy nor do they talk down to whoever's reading it. It just asks you questions that make you think about your decisions.

I also have an appointment with my therapist/counselor/whatever on Friday. Strangely, I don't want to go. I used to like being there and feeling good, but lately my therapist looks at me like I'm stark raving mad, and she likes to call other doctors in and tell them about all my problems right in front of me. They're also trying to dope me up on "mood stabilizers," which I find apalling. I know I may seem crazy when I cry every time I'm in that stupid office, but that's just because they ask all these probing questions and insinuate things about me. Arg.

I think I might be more "insane" now than when I started! lol

Angst and OCD

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 06:04:27 GMT

First entry! You may know me as fearless_jones. You may not. Anyway, this is the journal where I angst and wax poetic about OCD.